a few tiles

ok. what's going on here. c'mon! i want to know.

i have to make a conscious effort to do all those itsy bitsy things that come naturally for you.

i feel extreme breathlessness and pain all over. is my threshold for pain low, is my fitness that bad? do you feel it too? if you do how do you ignore it?

i want to do more i need to do more. fucking hell it's been 2 years. 2 freaking years.

it's my responsibility to do something for the team.

even if i can't fill the huge shoes that have been left for me, even if i won't be remembered for what i did, i don't want to be remembered for what i failed to do.

but i cant help but feel desperate. lost. defeated.

i'll ask for help, but there is only so much someone else can do for me.

people around me have tried to help me, for which i am really thankful, and some might have even given up.

i don't blame them though. i'm doubting my own ability too.

not just in this context, but why can't it come naturally for me? why can't it be in my nature do handle such situations easily, to handle challenges and face up to reality?

it's going to be a tough life.

and as i have said before, it's hard to live with the knowledge that you're broken.

you can be fixed, but like a painted wall, the cracks still lie beneath; they just don't show up. and when the paint wears off, the imperfections will rear their ugly ends.

it's going to be a tough life.